In certain situations, we often say to one another, “Just say you’re sorry. Apologize.” We say “just” as if it is easy. Sometimes it is but, when it really matters, it is never easy. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do.
There are songs about how difficult it can be. There is Elton John’s, “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word,” or Tracy Chapman’s, “Baby Can I Hold You,” with its lines,
“Sorry is all that you can’t say
Years gone by and still
words don’t come easily,
like sorry.”
When it is treated as a matter of “just,” it’s often the kind of apology that has been put together by a public relations firm. We sometimes see this in the world of celebrities or where a corporate fiasco occurs. We don’t really feel it; we’re going through the motions to, “patch a damaged brand.”
You need to feel it and not just for the person to whom it is owed. You need to feel it for your own sake. But a real apology is the hardest thing in the world to do.
What has that to do with creativity?
That’s all a very nice, but why on earth would I bring this up on a blog devoted to creativity and problem solving? It’s simply this: an apology is a good example of the kind of thing that is at the root of most creative impasses. (I prefer creative impasse to writer’s block because the latter makes it sound as if it’s exclusive to writers. It’s not. Blocks are egalitarian.)
I believe most creative impasses are encountered not because of some mysterious working of the brain that affects our creative ability. They are literally a block. Addressing the block, such as making that apology we find so difficult, solves them. Until it’s made, we remain blocked.
Let’s say you are in a car. It won’t go forward. The engine works but the car isn’t moving. It may be due to a huge boulder that is in the middle of the road. It may be due to an empty gas tank. It may be due to mud in which the wheels are stuck.
The problem isn’t the car. The problem is something else. Something is preventing forward progress. That something is what we have to deal with, not the car.
Creative impasse
This brings us back to apologies, or whatever else may be causing our creative impasse (finances, unemployment, ailing parent … the list is endless).
The moment that apology is made, regardless of the consequences (accepted, rejected) the curtains are pulled back, light fills the room and we are back to our creative selves. This is because the block has been removed; it has been dealt with.
Consider what an apology is about: guilt, one of the most debilitating emotions we have. Remove the guilt; remove the block.
It’s not always about guilt, however. That’s just an example of the kinds of things that can be at the root of blocks. Sometimes, it’s about a decision that is waiting to be made. Do we choose this, or do we choose that? We debate it endlessly and simply spin our wheels. (See the post, The Power of Choice.)
I’ve found making a decision, any decision, is better than the no man’s land of indecisiveness. The decision doesn’t have to be the right one. What is important is that it is made. If it is wrong you can change it. Making a decision usually illustrates pretty quickly whether it was correct or not. Until it is made, however, nothing happens. The block remains.
It’s not mysterious
The point of all this is that we shouldn’t make creative impasses too mysterious or, for that matter, too solvable by going through a few steps. Before anything, we should try to identify what is at the root of the impasse.
It won’t always be the need for an apology or a decision. In some cases, it will be the result of a condition, such as depression, that may be best addressed with therapy or medication. (I refer to people who have been diagnosed as having a problem with depression, not simply feeling blue.)
Until we know what is causing the impasse, and I believe there is almost always something causing it, we won’t move forward and get the creative energy flowing again.
And if you find that it is guilt and an apology needs to be made, buck up! It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do.
It’s also one of the most freeing.
Image by smlp.co.uk
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Interesting distinction between blocks and impasses. Impasse also implies that there will be no progress until at least one person backs down and gives ground.
Impasse also implies one of our favorite words: problem. As in, what’s causing the impasse.
Very good points; another great post!
Thanks! Yes, that’s what I was thinking with impasse. Quite often it’s a kind of disagreement with ourselves, the lizard brain Godin speaks of. One part resists even though another part knows what we need to do.
Bill Wren recently posted..Appearances to the contrary
So guilt and fear armwrestle?
Yes, though I’m not sure that’s always the case. Godin speaks of the lizard brain’s resistance that suggests fear — playing it safe because we’re afraid something might not work. In the case of an apology, I guess it would be wrestling over the guilt that tells us we should do it and fear of doing it? I’m not sure.
Bill Wren recently posted..Appearances to the contrary
I owe some people apologies, and they will come out of me genuinely if I ever see them again, but that doesn’t mean the reason for the harsh words magically goes away or that I will ever want those people in my life. I don’t want those soul suckers in my life anymore.
I guess because I’m clear about why I got made and cut them out, I don’t suffer impasses, only regret about the words I chose at the time.
Thanks Lilly. I think the apology thing is often about what we’ve said or done to others, but sometimes it’s more about ourselves. Another person may not want or even be aware of a need for an apology, but our sense of who we are wants us to do it because we feel somehow we’ve not been true to who we are. (Hope that makes sense!)
Bill Wren recently posted..Appearances to the contrary
It does. Thank you. And you’re so right. Just like funerals are for the survivors, apologies are more for the marksman and not the target.